Haywire

 

I’m super excited to watch Gina Carano in Haywire. Reviews have been good if not mixed. What’s BETTER than watching a very attractive woman beat the shit out of people? Maybe having sex with her. OR letting her beat you up so maybe you can sneak in a feel. The picture is OBVIOUSLY not Miss Carano. I THINK it’s Candice Swanepoel, I stole the picture from the Victoria’s Secret Facebook page, but I’m not sure. In any case, it’s almost Valentine’s Day, so the gentleman-like thing to do is buy your girlfriend sexy underwear. It’s science.

[Source: Victoria's Secret Facebook Page]

Hello, 2012!

I’m back, bitches. Happy New Year, everyone! I hope all my beautiful readers had a good year during 2011 and I hope all of you have an even better year in 2012.

So after nearly a decade of breaking hearts, the San Francisco 49ers are FINALLY back in the playoffs! I’ve been a loyal fan forever and all that hard work, disappointment, and team rebuilding has finally payed off. Although I still have my doubts about Alex Smith, I think they have a really good chance of making it to the NFC Championship Game, but let’s not kid ourselves: Aaron Rodgers is a monster. Considering their back-up Matt Flynn can throw 480 yards and 6 touchdowns in relief, I have a gut feeling Rodgers is going to shit all over San Francisco in his sleep. To make all my fellow San Francisco fans feel better, above is the 2009 San Francisco Gold Rush Cheer Squad.

I’ll try to update my blog more this year, but I’m not making any promises because let’s be honest: no one reads this shit.

[Source: San Francisco 49ers]

Come at Me, Bro!

Last I checked it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that you shouldn’t press the buttons of an angry gorilla. Or worse, a greased up Italian from The Jersey Shore. People are speculating that Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino acted like himself and pushed juice-head Ronnie Ortiz-Magro to the edge. The results were “The Situation” with a busted face, and Ronnie with a busted hand. Right now none of this can be confirmed, but let’s not kid ourselves. If you had to spend 3+ seasons with “The Situation” don’t you think you’d be tempted to cut off his dirty penis or make him suffocate in hair gel? You can’t blame Ronnie. Pretty fucking stupid of Mike to think he had a chance, we all saw Ronnie in season one shouting the famous, “COME AT ME, BRO!” Come at him he did.

[Source WhatWouldTylerDurdenDo?]

The Aikido Kid Is Back

Everyone probably thought Steven Seagal was just a washed up overweight direct-to-DVD movie star. You’re half right. However, when he’s not sitting around being way too serious, he’s a part time MMA master. He works with the likes of Lyoto Machida and Anderson Silva. If anyone caught UFC 129 they saw Machida put Randy Couture into permanent retirement with an insane cane-style kick. You only see that shit in movies. That or when you watch someone trained by Steven Fucking Seagal fight. Good times. I think he’s making a come back, Machida even went out of his way to immediately thank Seagal after the fight. Looks like front kicks to the face are the new thing in MMA. Thank you, Steven Seagal, first you gave us Above the Law, now this.

[Source Yahoo!]

Wonder Woman!

I don’t know who the fuck Adrianne Palicki is, but she makes Wonder Woman look good. If this show is about her being hot and beating up bitches, I guess I’m interested. Television hasn’t been doing it for me since Heroes was canceled. Fucking NBC, make up your mind. This show better last more than 2 seasons. I hope other than being hot and having huge tits, she can fight and shit. I bet you no one is going to watch this garbage. Good job, NBC. First Conan, now this.

[Source WhatWouldTylerDurdenDo?]

It’s Friday!

So if you haven’t heard of Rebecca Black who’s been trending on Twitter for over a week now, you must either be retarded or just came back from vacation on the moon. Her song Friday (please, YouTube it) is probably one of the most poorly written songs I have heard in recent memory. Everything about it is bad, there’s no rhyming, it’s like listening to an 8 year old read you their diary. The video makes almost no sense. Isn’t she in middle school? Why are her friends in a car? Why is there a middle-aged black guy going to a party with middle schoolers? It doesn’t matter. It’s actually catchy, if you can believe that.

Lastly, for all you dirty trolls out there, I agree with you, this song is garbage. However, no one should threaten, insult, or berate this girl as a person. She didn’t write the song, she didn’t film the video, she just sang what was presented to her. People who tell Rebecca Black to kill herself, or are calling her ugly are fucking retarded. Why don’t you come out from behind your computer and call her ugly to her face, you fucking coward. No one needs to be insulted as a person, especially from trolls who use the internet as their medium for baseless arguments.Come find me if you want a piece, I will sue your ass blind for aggravated assault, you fucking shit.

Here’s the best part: Rebecca Black is making $27K a week from her YouTube video. Twenty seven thousand dollars. How much do you make a week? Shut the fuck up.

[Source HollywoodReporter]

Jon Cryer? More Like Jon Shit

Charlie Sheen called Jon Cryer a troll. I would call him something worse. If my life was falling to shit and my friend, co-worker, and on stage brother didn’t stand up for me, he would be dead meat to me. Two and a Half Men would be called ”Gay Dad With Son” if it weren’t for Charlie Sheen. Sure, Jon wants to be professional, but he should make some formal public statement saying he supports Charlie Sheen as a person, and his progress to recovery, even if he doesn’t agree with the crazy shit Charlie says. You let me down, Jon Cryer, and I don’t even know you. Imagine what you did to Charlie. You dick.

[Source TheSuperficial]

Eva Who?

Eva Amurri is Susan Sarandon‘s daughter. Most of you are asking “She has a daughter?!” But I assume that most of you are asking, “Who is Susan Sarandon?” It doesn’t matter. Her daughter is hot and has massive jugs. That’s winning in my book. Apparently she acts or something, but who cares? All right, I will care if that acting involves her showing us her beautiful breasts.

[Source IDon'tLikeYouInThatWay]

Jessica Butt Is Single

Have you seen Jessica Biel’s butt? It’s amazing. Also, her physique is top notch. You know who has seen her body upside down and inside out? Justin Timberlake. Fortunately for guys like myself, they broke up because Justin Timberlake got tired of her hot ass and tight body and wanted other pussy. That’s talented, young, rich guys for you. Stupid, Jessica, she should date nice, average, modest guys. Like me. Call me. I will never cheat on you. Assuming you keep your physique, age, face, and smell the same forever. Love you.

[Source WhatWouldTylerDurdenDo?]

Charlie, You Crazy

I guess Charlie Sheen wasn’t kidding when he told everyone he had tiger blood. Isn’t that shit illegal? Aren’t tigers endangered? Regardless, Charlie Sheen is going crazy with this media frenzy blitz. I’m impressed and I feel like he can redeem himself and his career if he keeps this up for long enough. I’m not sick of Charlie Sheen yet and I’m actually kind of sad Two and a Half Men is indefinitely suspended. I hope he lays off the drugs and just keeps raking in the money. He didn’t want to hire me as his intern which was upsetting, but I guess if you put two guys in a room who both may suck each other’s dicks then you have a whole new set of problems.

[Source WhatWouldTylerDurdenDo?]